So far we’ve discussed conditional love versus unconditional love and the three aspects of cultivating unconditional love from within. This week, let’s dive a little deeper into what unconditional love might look like in your day to day life and how practicing it toward yourself and others can help you to get better acquainted with that feeling and therefore tap into it more and more. When someone you care about does something you don’t agree with, do you get angry? Yell at the person? Or sit down with them to find out what happened on more than just the level of your own interpretation? This can be especially tough to do when it comes to parenting because so many parents are fearful that their child’s behaviors will reflect badly on them as parents. This creates a reactive, conditional mindset rather than a mindset of unconditional love, and the energy projected onto the child can affect that child for the rest of their lives, either in good ways or bad ways. In today’s article, we’ll explore ways to train yourself to be loving and assertive rather than fearful and controlling.
From Wikipedia:
“Unconditional love should not be mistaken with unconditional dedication: unconditional dedication or "duty" refers to an act of the will irrespective of feelings (e.g. a person may consider they have a duty to stay with someone); unconditional love is an act of the feelings irrespective of will.”
So, as a somewhat simple and relatable example, when your child is being scolded or “in trouble,” it’s especially important not to withhold love from them, otherwise they will receive the message that they are only lovable if they never make any mistakes, which directly attacks their humanity as being a “bad” thing on an unconscious level. This leads to subconscious conditioning for a perfectionistic mindset, which can lead to failure more often than not, and stagnation due to analysis paralysis. Children raised this way are also more likely to develop low self-worth and procrastinate due to a deep-seated fear of failure as this ends up defining their entire existence. They will fear making decisions on their own, and all of this nervous energy will eventually turn into rebellion during teen years for some and complete shutdown for others.
So, not to be alarmist, but the ways in which we behave toward each other can have a massive impact, especially on our children who rely on us to guide and teach them, not beat them into submission and cause their souls to feel exhausted by the time they’re 12. As parents, we should know better.
As mindful leaders, we should also know better, otherwise, we have no business leading anyone because we can’t even lead ourselves to that point.
The “bad” news? This is extremely common and people are just now understanding the vast impact this has had not only on individuals but also on the collective consciousness of humanity.
The “good” news? This is extremely common and people are just now understanding the vast impact this has had not only on individuals but also on the collective consciousness of humanity.
It’s never too late to become who you truly are and leave your own past and unconscious programming behind, and because this is so common, you will have no trouble finding like-minded people who have experienced similar journeys, and as more people awaken, this understanding will continue to grow and become more common.
Whew! Now that we’ve gone into a little bit of the effects that conditional love might have on people, can you imagine how your attitude toward yourself might be affecting you? If you love yourself and others conditionally, those conditions will permeate your thought processes and be reflected back to you, not only by your own thoughts and emotions but also by other people in your experience.
Love Yourself
Loving yourself means you take the time to reflect on things that have occurred in your life and remain vigilant about whether something is loving or not. This means checking in with yourself on a very regular basis and evaluating how you feel and why, and whether this behavior is actually loving or not. You will begin to notice little things within your experience and we encourage you to use those examples to refine your discernment.
Loving yourself means that you speak up when someone crosses a boundary in the moment, or let it go depending on the circumstance. The more often you do this, the better you will be able to know what to do in the moment. This is the nature of practice.
Loving yourself means that you don’t expose yourself to toxins, be they people, foods, TV shows, music, books, videos, articles, or anything else you consume on any level. Pay attention to what your mood is like after you consume something and this will be a good indicator of whether it’s good for you or not.
Loving yourself means that you know and understand the difference between what is your responsibility and what is not. This doesn’t just refer to tasks and projects, but also to problems and emotions. Are you taking on others’ problems as your own, trying to help but getting drained? Are you feeling worried, anxious, or preoccupied with someone else and their issues? While it’s fantastic to be there for and help others, it isn’t as simple or black and white as that. If your energy is strong and you can maintain yourself well, then it’s time to help others. If you’re scrambling to make everything happen, then there is still work to do on yourself.
Loving yourself means that you are able to meet your own needs. What needs do you expect others to meet for you? While this doesn’t always indicate conditions, it is an important question to reflect on. What needs do I expect others to meet for me?
Loving yourself means being able to validate your own experiences and not depend on external sources for validation. While external validation can be helpful, especially at the beginning of your journey, it can lead you down a path of people-pleasing, which can become unhealthy very quickly.
Loving yourself means enjoying your own company and appreciating who you are deep down. Are you content sitting in silence with yourself? Can you entertain yourself when you’re alone? Or do you lose focus and automatically reach for your phone? While loneliness is a somewhat normal emotion to feel at certain points, it is unwise to allow that emotion to dictate your decisions.
Loving yourself means that you know how and when to say no. You don’t have to do everything for everyone all the time; as a matter of fact, it’s much more effective to cut out anything that doesn’t serve you. That’s not to say that you have to be mean about it or make your problems other people’s problems; rather, it simply means that you are putting your own life first rather than allowing someone else to dictate things for you in any way.
Lastly (although I’m sure there are many more elements of loving yourself), loving yourself means putting yourself, your emotions, and your life first, before all others. This is much easier said than done, especially in certain situations, so re-prioritizing your activities can be helpful and saying no can come in very handy.
Thank you so much for joining us again this week on the Mindful Leader Blog! Loving yourself unconditionally can dramatically change your life for the better, so we encourage you to begin practicing this attitude toward yourself as often as possible. You will see the results evidenced in your daily experiences as you practice, which will hopefully also encourage you to keep going.
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