Most of us will wait until the emotion surrounding the conversation becomes so heated or toxic that when we do finally say what is needed, the true message is hidden in anger, frustration and disappointment.
What is the “true message?”
Is it a litany of the wrongs the person has committed?
Is it a list of everything the person didn’t do that they should have?
In other words, is the “true message” focused on how the person has failed in your eyes?
Unfortunately, usually the answer to all these questions is “yes,” when it should be a resounding “NO!”
A “crucial conversation” is nothing more than a powerful opportunity to convey our current concerns to someone whom we care for greatly.
Did you get that? We have “crucial conversations” out of our intense caring for another – otherwise why expend the energy?
How much more effective might our conversation be if we perceive it not as a negative thing, but the opportunity for a “powerful conversation” with someone we care about?
How much more effective might our conversation be, if we didn’t shirk away and become complicit in the difficulty the conversation needs to address (because the less we say the more complicit we are)?
True servant leaders will hold a powerful conversation using these steps:
- The night before the conversation write down all the reasons you care for the other person.
- Then write down what the most positive outcome looks like – what would each of you walk away with?
- Just before the conversation review #1 and #2, take three deep breaths, and smile.
- Begin the conversation with something like “I wanted to meet with you today because I am very concerned about you.” End the conversation with “Thank you for taking your time to meet with me today and thank you for being a part of this resolution.”
- Follow up the conversation with some correspondence reaffirming your commitment to the person and the pathway agreed upon.
Take responsibility for having the right approach, and these “crucial conversations” will become a powerful interaction that benefits both parties.
*Find the classic book Crucial Conversations by Patterson, et al. here.
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